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Chase – Month 2

July 24, 2009

Little Man,

Yesterday you turned 2, months that is. I don’t even know what to say to that. Some how in that short span of time you have gone from this:

to this:

The more you grow the more I start to see glimpses of what you’re going to look like in the future. Your eyes get bigger and bluer every day with the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen. I’m actually quite jealous of them. You’ve hardly lost any of your hair, in fact I think the back of it has gotten longer. Your cowlick in the front is so much like your Dad’s that I can just imagine someone asking you if you gel your hair to make it stand up like that just like people have asked him. I imagine you won’t be any nicer in your response than he is.

You started to smile about two weeks ago, but it wasn’t very often and usually for no reason at all, mostly in your sleep. Last week you started smiling in response to things. You smile at me when I tickle your neck and sometimes just when I talk to you. You also smile at yourself in the mirror. It won’t be long before you realize that you can make noises other than crying. For the most part you are a pretty happy baby but you sure can pout when you want to. So many times I catch you wrinkling your eyebrows and knitting them together just like I do. I wonder what goes on in your little head to elicit such a face.

You have changed in so many ways but more than that I think that I have changed. In a lot of ways you have calmed me. I don’t know how that works exactly but I know that when I sit with you in your room in the quiet dark evening hours rocking you I don’t feel any pressure. However my anxiety still rears its head every so often, for instance two weeks ago I was CONVINCED that you were blind or at least partially blind. For some reason I decided that buying a book detailing milestones for the first year of your life week-by-week was a good idea. It took me awhile to realize that you are just a couple of weeks behing what they deem normal, whatever, I think you are perfect. Needless to say you came around and started actually focusing on things, including me, which thanks for that. Another way you have changed me is evident in my absent-mind-ed-ness (totally a word, trust me). For example, last Saturday I locked myself out of the house…twice…once with you in it. That is another story for another time. Suffice it to say that if I were capable of coherent thought it would not have happened…either time.

Its hard to write this letter to you tonight because I’m not with you. I’m going out of town this weekend and I had to leave you behind. I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried when I thought about it this morning, I cried when I tried to kiss you goodbye, I cried in the car, and I’m crying just thinking about it. I know you are in good hands (your daddy’s) but this will be the first night I haven’t rocked you to sleep since we came home from the hospital.

In some ways having you has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I love that when I talk you look at me and I can make you smile. I love that when you cry or get scared I can comfort you when no one else can. I love that you hold my hand and arm when I feed you. When I hold you on my chest you clutch the collar of my shirt or my necklace just as tight as your little fist can squeeze as if to make sure I don’t leave you. Some day, all to soon I’m sure, you won’t need or more likely want me as much as you do right now. In some ways I wish I could keep you this small forever. Only now do I fully understand what people mean when they say that having children is like having your heart ripped from your body to have legs of its own.

I have so many hopes and dreams for you that I couldn’t begin to list them all. Most of all I hope that someday you will look at your own new baby and truly understand everything I’m telling you now. I love you with all the pieces of my heart.

Love Mama

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. July 27, 2009 1:45 pm

    He’s getting so big and so damn cute! Loved meeting you this weekend!!!

  2. July 28, 2009 4:11 pm

    He’s seriously a doll!
    Just wait- it gets even better.;)

  3. July 28, 2009 8:55 pm

    He is adorable. I can’t believe he was that huge when I met him last week. You are doing a great job girlie!

  4. August 4, 2009 4:48 am

    That was seriously sweet to read. And I slightly hate you because it made me consider the fact that I will want one of those someday soon.

  5. August 4, 2009 8:54 pm

    That was SO perfect.

  6. August 5, 2009 9:01 pm

    Ah. I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet him in Chicago. (Not that you’d want to fly with your Tiny, or anything..) But he’s SO CUTE! I could OMNOMNOM his toes.

    And I think I will. Omnomnom.

  7. August 6, 2009 8:04 pm

    I totally understand the whole change thing. My daughter just turned two (two days ago) and I posted pics of her witha blanket she has grown up with since day one. It’s amazing how fast they grow and learn, and yet, sometimes you just want to put the brakes on. But, it’s truly a miracle getting to watch it. I hope and pray that when my children grow up they feel the same way about their children.
    BTW he is so darn cute!!!!!!

  8. August 10, 2009 4:04 pm

    Such a sweet post! He is adorable!!

  9. August 12, 2009 4:33 pm

    SO adorable in the Illinois onesie.

    I can’t wait for babies in my life. I love this post.

  10. August 19, 2009 1:17 pm

    Ohhhhhhhhhh so sweet.

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