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I’m drowning

October 6, 2009

Ok that may have been just a little bit dramatic but what can I say my emotions? they are all. over. the. place. The stupid thing is, I recognize this pattern and I know it means I need to get back on my medicine. I know that the vicious swings from elated to edgy are a result of my anxiety. It pisses me off that I can become so unraveled over nothing. Sure I have problems but they are nothing compared to those of my closest friends. I know there is no hierarchy of pain but sometimes I just want to kick my own ass for the pity parties I throw.

I’ve been really struggling to write lately. I can’t seem to find my rhythm. I tried only writing when I felt I had something pertinent to say but that didn’t feel like enough. So I tried participating in NaBloPoMo for September and clearly that was a big fat #FAIL. I felt like I was posting idiotic ramblings that eventually would turn people away. I can’t seem to find the middle of that scale and make it all balance out.

I’ve been pouring a lot of my time into my gig over at Aiming Low (have you been there? no? go now, I’ll wait…) The posts I’ve put up over there have been just about everything I can squeeze out of tired little fingers. I’m also trying to work on a little site redesign and move over to my own domain. Then you know there is that pesky business of running my day to day life. Apparently bills do not pay themselves and my laundry is yet to be self cleaning.

Lately it has felt as though I can’t finish anything I start. I’m trying to way to many things at once and I am only succeeding in running from one to the next making a mess of everything. That said I’m going to do the only thing I really know how to do when I get like this. I’m going to make myself a to-do list and just start pushing through it. The month of October IS going to be productive for me, I will not let it be another September.

Now I’m off to watch TV start my list.

If I thought I could get away with it…

September 10, 2009

I would TOTALLY wear this shirt.

Healthcare and politics – OH MY!

September 9, 2009

Before I even begin let me say this; I am one of the most un-political people you will ever meet. I am largely uneducated and for years I was carelessly oblivious. I am trying very hard to change that. I voted for the first time this year. Being that I am 27 years old I know that I am late to the game. Since we are being truthful I will also admit that I could have done more research before marking those little ovals next to my choices.

Perhaps I picked the most difficult time to get involved, perhaps I’m not looking in the right places, perhaps there really aren’t any “right” answers. All I know for sure is that I am struggling to find MY answers and MY beliefs. I know what is important to me, I know absolutely where I stand on certain issues. Unfortunately none of those are the ones currently causing the most trouble for our country.

Heathcare and the call for reform has been a bit of a hot button issue in my house. It seems that my husband and I fall on opposite sides. He and I have ridiculously good insurance. I know without a doubt that we are covered for whatever services we need (and sometimes those we want). I rarely give a thought to insurance when choosing a doctor or deciding whether or not to make an appointment. My parents however are not so lucky. Their insurance is…well…not so great. Without going into all the gory details my dad has a condition, because of some loopholes his insurance is refusing him coverage and will not provide him with long term care coverage. End result being that when and if he should need long term care such as a nursing home there will be no insurance to help with the costs. Because of this I can’t say that our current system is working.

Today @Mommentator tweeted “Are you aware how many people are in this country? There.will.be.sad.stories. And we cannot fix every ill.”, I agree with that statement. I realize that no system works to perfection for every participant. That said I want an answer for my parents, I want for them what I have.

I wish that there was an easy answer but that is not the case. I wish that people on either side of the argument could come together and have civilized conversation and work together to find an answer that does more good than harm.

p.s. for the record I voted for Obama
p.s.s. I don’t know if I’m truly a democrat or not, I probably fall somewhere in the middle, you’d have to ask my stance on individual issues to “know” me
p.s.s.s. I love @mommentator, we may not agree on all the issues but I appreciate how she approaches her arguments and has never been critical of me for my personal beliefs.

Vegas

September 8, 2009

In four days I will be here:

I will be this drunk:

and I hope to win this much money (again):

My iTunes has multiple personality disorder.

September 7, 2009

So I got one of those funny “tagged” notes on Facebook the other day where you answer a bunch of questions by setting your iTunes to random and listing the songs that come up. I never did follow up on it, but I’ve been thinking for a few days that I could have had some doozy answers due to my eclectic music tastes. Here is a list of my “favorite” songs, at least those that have the highest play counts.

“Pretty Vegas” by JD Fortune

“Heartless” by Chris Mann

“Womanizer” by Britney Spears

“Slow Me Down” by Emmy Rossum

“Hallelujah” by Kate Voegele

“Hallelujah” by Paramore

“Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin

“I Can Love You” by Gary Allan

“Big Bad John” by Johnny Cash

“Hardknock Life” from Annie soundtrack

“Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol

“Move Bitch” by Ludacris

“Raise It Up” from the August Rush soundtrack

‘We Both Reached for the Gun” from the Chicago soundtrack

“Copacabana” by Barry Manilow

“Daughter” by Loudon Wainwright

“Hate My Life” by Theory of a Deadman

‘Kyle’s Mom is a Bitch” from the Southpark Movie soundtrack

“Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss” by Bloodhound Gang

“Teenagers” by My Chemical Romance

“Fly on the Wall” by Miley Cyrus

“American Witch” by Rob Zombie

“Stuck in the Middle with You” by Steve Miller Band

“Popular” from the Wicked soundtrack

Is that not one of the weirdest collections of music you have ever seen. Trust me that barely scratches the surface. After all I left off the Trans Siberian Orchestra….

I am such a tool sometimes.

Dreams

September 6, 2009

You come where you aren’t invited.

You make me question my heart.

You take a piece of my soul with every visit.

It’s been ten years, I need to let go, I just don’t know how.

Please let me sleep in peace tonight.

It hurts too much to keeping losing you.

Look at me grow

September 5, 2009

I don’t have much to say today, hence the picture post.

Before Chase was born I read an article suggesting that you take a photo of your baby each month next to the same toy or stuffed animal to chart their growth over the first year. It took me weeks to find the right stuffed animal and I actually ended up with two. Anyway here are the first three months of pictures. I can’t believe how much he has grown.