Chase – Month 6

Chaser,

For serious? Six months old? How is that even possible. It truly does seem like just yesterday that I brought you home from the hospital all pink yellow and new.

You have changed so much in a month. Everyday, it seems, you do something new, and usually terribly cute. This month you sat in a high chair and took your first ride in a shopping card without your infant seat. You rolled completely over, voluntarily. (Let me be clear, you have rolled over before just not without lots of prompting and maybe some help) You figured out how to maneuver your bottle and your pacifier by yourself. Can I just add that I LOVE that you hold your own bottle now. I can plop you in your high chair, recline the seat and let you do it yourself so I can clean chat on Skype.

Everyday you become more and more your own person. You have a lot of personality. I see so much of myself in you from your quick temper to the silent laugh you do when you get excited. Sometimes you do this thing where you look at me and raise your eyebrows and then you laugh at me. It doesn’t matter if you’ve kept me up all night for a week I always smile back at you. It’s nearly impossible not to.

You spent a week at your Grandma’s house this month and my lord it was hard to be separated from you for EIGHT DAYS. Your first Halloween was the day I returned. I had been awake since 2 am and spent 6 hours traveling. You had been away from home for over a week. We were a hot mess that night, but we had fun. We went trick-or-treating with friends in their neighborhood. You were so charming at each house, you smiled and giggled at everyone. By the time we reached the end of the street and turned to head back you were asleep in my arms (good thing we had the stroller with us). We were barely home for a week or so before we packed up and left again to go stay with Grandma while she recovered from knee replacement surgery. You were quite the little charmer at the hospital (even if you weren’t supposed to be there)

The day I took your “Look at Me Grow” pictures I uploaded them to the computer and started comparing all 6 sets. It’s hard to believe how much you have changed in such a short amount of time. I can’t imagine how different you will be 6 months from now when you are a year old. This month was the first month I had trouble with this photo shoot. You are becoming more and more mobile and active. I can’t imagine how hard this will be when you learn to crawl.

If you look at the date you will notice that this month’s letter was written well into your 7th month. What can I say, I’m just not as on top of things as I used to be. Perhaps it’s because we spend so much time cuddling on the couch or sleeping in. Trust me I’m taking advantage of all your cuddly time now so that hopefully I don’t embarrass you too much once you’ve grown out of it.

Always
Love Mama

Talking to the Mirror

Please consider this your first, last and only warning. You are hereby on notice. You need to get your shit together. I’m tired of watching you struggle every day to simply function.

You are better than this.

I know that the past few months have been tough.

I know that you keep a lot bottled up.

I know that most days you feel so full you wonder how you don’t explode.

You are stronger than this.

Pull yourself together and shake out the cobwebs.

Plant your feet on the ground and get your balance back.

Figure out how to move forward instead of in circles.

You are better than this.

Ooooh Shiney!

I am a total technology NERD. New electronics make me giddy. Like a two year old boy getting a box full of matchbox cars giddy.

I almost kissed the UPS man when he dropped this at my house.

I dropped every thing I was doing in order to get it set up, including my baby. I mean it took me almost 20 minutes to realize he was crying not because I wasn’t paying attention to him but because he had kicked his toy over. What? At least it wasn’t on top of him, and I totally put something heavy on the base when I set it back up so he couldn’t kick it over again.

Even Kitty got in on the action. She was totally excited about the new printer, or maybe just the snazzy bag it came in. Whatever.

I can’t tell you how easy the set up was. The printer itself walked me through virtually every step once it was plugged in. See that little button there that says “Show Me”? If you clicked on that at any point in the set up it would show you an animation demonstrating the step you were on. DUDE.

One of the things I miss the most about my office job, besides the paycheck of course, is access to the copy and fax machines. It was so easy to take everything to work. For several years we didn’t even have a functioning printer set up in our house. My husband spends his days at the top of a 40 foot electric pole so asking him to take stuff to work and make copies or send faxes is like asking Brittney Spears to actually perform…live..it could happen but chances are it wouldn’t be pretty. Scanning is a total breeze on this thing. You put the paper in, you hit scan, tell it where to send it and off it goes. I don’t even have to my computer anywhere near the printer to scan to it.

A few nights ago I was baffled when I realized that I had to fax something. There was no other option. The company specifically stated that only faxes were accepted. How can this even be? Anywho, I asked all the other girls if they had set up the fax option because quite honestly it was 10:30 at night and I didn’t want to mess with the set-up. Well none of those other slackers had it set up, so I put on my big girl panties and dove in. Let me tell you the hardest part of setting the printer up to fax was finding shoes to put on to trek to the basement for a phone cord. (I’m pretty sure the printer comes with a phone cord but I needed my super extra long one because my living room only has one phone outlet)

I plugged the phone cord into the back and opened up the utility on my computer. I plugged in my name and phone number where noted. I figured there had to be more to the process but just for fun I clicked to “test the device for fax set-up” button. I am not even kidding when I tell you it was 100% ready to send and receive faxes at that point. Oh it gets better, I got my letter all ready to fax and I faxed it FROM MY COMPUTER! No printing required. Hello paper saver!

I could go on and on about all the cool stuff this printer does. I mean I didn’t even tell you about any of the cool web apps, or how the printer sends messages to my computer when it is low on ink (even when I’m not actively printing). Or how about that time I forgot I was going to a scrapbook crop and had no pictures printed out, I printed 20 4×6 photos in less than 15 minutes. I didn’t tell you how I printed coupons for grocery shopping on my way out the door, while holding the baby in his car sear. Clearly when I can teach my kid to fetch me things I’ve printed and bring them to me on my throne the couch I will be one step closer to complete domination (of my home).

**This printer was provided by HP for me to test out and review, but the opinions you see here are 100% mine.

Funny Face

Every so often a child comes along who has so much life and so much sparkle that you needn’t ever meet them to fall completely in love. Madeline Alice Spohr was one of those children.

Today, November 11, is her second birthday.

She was sweet. She was funny. She was loving. She was goofy. She made people smile.

She came by it honestly.

She’s not here to celebrate her second birthday. But she will continue to make us smile.

Happy Birthday, Maddie. We love you. We miss you.

__________

In honor of Maddie’s birthday, and in celebration of her on this day, please consider making a donation to Friends of Maddie.

I have this friend.

I have this friend.

She is one of the strongest people I know.

She makes me laugh. Every. Day.

She appreciates my warped sense of humor.

She tells me what I need to hear, even if it’s not what I want to hear.

She is the best kind of friend anyone could ask for.

Today should be a happy day for her.

Today my heart breaks for her.

Today I hope that I can give her some of what she has given me.

Today I would take her pain, all the pieces of it, if I could.

I knew this little girl.

I won’t let her be forgotten.

I will continue to tell my son all about one of the best friends he will never know.

I love you Heather (and Mike too)!

Sunshine

I have been a little down lately. Somedays it seems as though the weight of the world is bearing down on me. There is no big thing, no real crisis, just lots of little things. Little things that I have ZERO control over. Hurts I can’t heal, pain I can’t ease, problems I can’t solve. I get overwhelmed a lot. I have anxiety and panic attacks.

Sometimes I just go too far inside my own head.

I had to get out of my house the other day. The wee one and I had some time to kill in between appointments so we popped out the stroller and went for a walk through town. I can’t begin to describe how much good it did me. The leaves were still vibrantly colored but just dry enough to be falling around me and rustling up the street. There were nothing but puffy cotton ball clouds in the sky. My T-shirt and jeans were just the perfect outfit for the temperature.

As I started to feel the pressure lifting off of me I looked down at the sweet face staring back at me and I was happy. I realized that everything I had been worrying about just wasn’t that important.

Sometimes I worry that I talk about him too much, that I show too many pictures. When I started this blog I did it with the intention not of making money or having a following but of documenting all the little things. I don’t want to look back 5 years from now and realize I can’t remember what our days were like. I want to stay true to myself and be my own person but I’m going to stop being afraid to be the dreaded mommy blogger too.

Chase – Month 5 (and 4)

Chase –

Today you are 5 months old, I can’t believe how time has flown. Clearly it’s been a whirlwind since I never did write you a month 4 letter. Most days it’s 3:00 before I realize that over half the day is gone, of course it doesn’t help that we sleep in every day until 9 (or later). You are still so happy in the morning, I honestly have no idea where you get that from, it’s surely not from me.

You found your voice sometime in the past two months. You love to shriek, it’s funny because you go so high pitched that your voice cracks and almost no noise comes out. I would take a video of it but every time I pull out the flip you go completely blank and just stare at it. You are completely mesmerized by the video camera and refuse to perform for me when it’s on.

You’ve learned a lot of new tricks in the past two months. You, of course, put everything you can get your hands on straight into your mouth. You rolled over onto your stomach once while you were at your grandma’s, you obviously didn’t like it because you have yet to do it again. In the past week you have gotten a little more comfortable with tummy time and have learned to flip yourself over when you are tired of it.

I’ve had a lot of people question whether or not I’m getting bored with being at home with you. I can honestly say there has yet to be a truly boring day. There are days that I want to cry, there are days we both cry, there are days when I yell at you. I’m guessing there will always be those days. There are also the mornings we lay in bed and sleep away the morning haze and I wake to you cooing at me. There are afternoons that we nap on the couch together. There are hours spent trolling the aisles at Target playing with the toys and entertaining the shoppers. There isn’t anything I would trade all these little moments for.

I’m getting ready to leave on a trip this weekend. I won’t see you for seven and a half days. I’m going to miss you like crazy. A couple of people have asked if this is my first time away from you or if I’m nervous about leaving you. I almost feel guilty for saying no to both questions. I left you for the weekend when you were barely 2 months old, your dad and I went on a mini vacation for 4 days last month. I guess it seems odd to some people that I’m so comfortable being away from you. I want you to know that my being away from you isn’t about not wanting to spend every day and every night with you, it’s about staying true to myself. I don’t want to completely lose myself in being your mom. I want you to be able to look at me someday and see everything I am. I want you to love me as your mom and be proud of me for me.

I love you with every piece of my heart
Mama

I’m drowning

Ok that may have been just a little bit dramatic but what can I say my emotions? they are all. over. the. place. The stupid thing is, I recognize this pattern and I know it means I need to get back on my medicine. I know that the vicious swings from elated to edgy are a result of my anxiety. It pisses me off that I can become so unraveled over nothing. Sure I have problems but they are nothing compared to those of my closest friends. I know there is no hierarchy of pain but sometimes I just want to kick my own ass for the pity parties I throw.

I’ve been really struggling to write lately. I can’t seem to find my rhythm. I tried only writing when I felt I had something pertinent to say but that didn’t feel like enough. So I tried participating in NaBloPoMo for September and clearly that was a big fat #FAIL. I felt like I was posting idiotic ramblings that eventually would turn people away. I can’t seem to find the middle of that scale and make it all balance out.

I’ve been pouring a lot of my time into my gig over at Aiming Low (have you been there? no? go now, I’ll wait…) The posts I’ve put up over there have been just about everything I can squeeze out of tired little fingers. I’m also trying to work on a little site redesign and move over to my own domain. Then you know there is that pesky business of running my day to day life. Apparently bills do not pay themselves and my laundry is yet to be self cleaning.

Lately it has felt as though I can’t finish anything I start. I’m trying to way to many things at once and I am only succeeding in running from one to the next making a mess of everything. That said I’m going to do the only thing I really know how to do when I get like this. I’m going to make myself a to-do list and just start pushing through it. The month of October IS going to be productive for me, I will not let it be another September.

Now I’m off to watch TV start my list.

If I thought I could get away with it…

I would TOTALLY wear this shirt.

Healthcare and politics – OH MY!

Before I even begin let me say this; I am one of the most un-political people you will ever meet. I am largely uneducated and for years I was carelessly oblivious. I am trying very hard to change that. I voted for the first time this year. Being that I am 27 years old I know that I am late to the game. Since we are being truthful I will also admit that I could have done more research before marking those little ovals next to my choices.

Perhaps I picked the most difficult time to get involved, perhaps I’m not looking in the right places, perhaps there really aren’t any “right” answers. All I know for sure is that I am struggling to find MY answers and MY beliefs. I know what is important to me, I know absolutely where I stand on certain issues. Unfortunately none of those are the ones currently causing the most trouble for our country.

Heathcare and the call for reform has been a bit of a hot button issue in my house. It seems that my husband and I fall on opposite sides. He and I have ridiculously good insurance. I know without a doubt that we are covered for whatever services we need (and sometimes those we want). I rarely give a thought to insurance when choosing a doctor or deciding whether or not to make an appointment. My parents however are not so lucky. Their insurance is…well…not so great. Without going into all the gory details my dad has a condition, because of some loopholes his insurance is refusing him coverage and will not provide him with long term care coverage. End result being that when and if he should need long term care such as a nursing home there will be no insurance to help with the costs. Because of this I can’t say that our current system is working.

Today @Mommentator tweeted “Are you aware how many people are in this country? There.will.be.sad.stories. And we cannot fix every ill.”, I agree with that statement. I realize that no system works to perfection for every participant. That said I want an answer for my parents, I want for them what I have.

I wish that there was an easy answer but that is not the case. I wish that people on either side of the argument could come together and have civilized conversation and work together to find an answer that does more good than harm.

p.s. for the record I voted for Obama
p.s.s. I don’t know if I’m truly a democrat or not, I probably fall somewhere in the middle, you’d have to ask my stance on individual issues to “know” me
p.s.s.s. I love @mommentator, we may not agree on all the issues but I appreciate how she approaches her arguments and has never been critical of me for my personal beliefs.